Hypocrisy

Open Confession of a Self-Admitted Hypocrite:

My own hypocrisy has begun to astound me.

For quite a while now, I've talked a good game about living for today rather than worrying about what may come tomorrow.  The truth of the matter is that I've never truly lived my life this way.  Furthermore, I have often talked badly of those who do things simply because that is what they are "supposed to do."  Currently, that is the entire motivation for most of the things I am doing with my life.

An old turtle once said, "Yesterday is history.  Tomorrow is a mystery.  But today is a gift.  That is why it's called the present."  The Bible tells us not to worry about tomorrow for today has enough worries of its own.  I myself have often said to live for today for tomorrow never comes.  Despite the countless warnings from countless sources, humanity continues to be a race of planners and worriers, me included.

Last week, I was commenting, as I often find myself doing, on the sheepesque nature of humanity.  In other words, people do things without actually knowing why they are doing it.  They simply do it because they are "supposed to," or because that's what people expect.  For example, last week, I was questioning how many people understand why they put ashes on their foreheads on Ash Wednesday or why they gave up something for Lent.  Humanity is a blind mob, and I am a part of that mob.

Since as early as elementary school, I lived my life for tomorrow, but I knew why I was doing it.  My purpose was to do well in school.  I knew that the reason to get good grades was to graduate at the top of my class.  The reason to graduate at the top of my class was to get good scholarships to pay for college.  That may be an oversimplification, but it was the plan.

My whole life, because I've lived by this plan, I have been living my life for tomorrow.  Since I have avidly spoken against this style of living, I am a hypocrite.

While for most of my life, I have managed to happily dance around my second hypocritical trap, at least on the large scale, I have finally managed to fall headfirst into its clever snare.  I am now in college.  The plan since elementary school is complete.  I realized recently that the plan has never really gone farther than college.  True, there are vague reasons of why college is a generally good idea, but the rest of the plan has been a lot more settled and specific.  I am finally to a point that I don't know why I am doing anything.

At this point, I'm going to college simply because that has always been the plan.  I'm going to college simply because I'm "supposed to."  Without a planned career, college seems like simply a way I am passing the time.  Moreover it's a frustrating way of passing the time.

Since I won't know why I am going to college until I have a career goal, I will remain a hypocrite until that time comes.

Unfortunately, time ticks on and likely won't roll back.