As I wrote this, I couldn't help but think about this song: What is Love?
On my drive this evening, I was listening to one of the nightly call-in shows on the radio where people talk about there problems and always make you fell slightly superior in the fact that your life doesn't suck as badly as theirs. There were a few that stuck out to me:- One girl called in talking about how she created a fake Myspace account with a fake name and picture in order to get a guy to "fall in love with [her]". The host attempted to make it abundantly clear to her that this guy was not in love with her but with an idea she had created for him.
- One 16-year-old guy called in talking about his girlfriend of six years. That means they started dating when they were 10. Basically, they decided to have a baby together and then a whole bunch of drama started that's way to crazy for my blog to deal with.
- One girl called in talking about her boyfriend. According to her, she "loves him", but her family does not approve. The host brought up that feelings are not the only thing on which to base a relationship. However you feel about a person, if they aren't good for you, they probably aren't right for you. He said if they don't pass the "dad test", they probably aren't a good guy.
I completely agree with the idea that the guy is in love with the idea of her. I'm sorry to tell you that a visual component is part of any relationship with someone. Also, if your entire relationship is based on a lie, that's a shaky place to start. It's hard to build on rocky ground.
Here, I'd like to focus on the idea of being in love with an idea.
I will confess that I am currently in love with an idea. There is a girl that I have taken in my mind and idolized, effectively turning her into something that no one could never live up to. She's also a very good friend of mine. For a long time, I believed I was in love with her. I am willing to say that I love her, but I'm now fairly certain I'm not IN love with HER. In my mind, what I'm actually in love with is this person that looks like her and is everything I've ever wanted in a significant other.
To the girl that made the Myspace, shame on you. You have convinced this guy that you are everything he ever wanted and that it is something he can get. You are going to break his heart when he learns the truth. To everyone else, check yourself. Are you actually in love with "that person" or are you in love with what you have made them in your mind?
With the 16-year-old boy, I have one word for you: hormones. At 16, your hormones are still raging and they will lie to you. I give great credit to these two for staying together for six years, but if you've been with that person since the age of ten, how do you know who you are without them? How do you know what you want out of life? This is the biggest problem with kids dating younger and younger. Eventually that means they have to grow up faster, and humans just aren't built for that.
As far as choosing to have a baby together, I can only tell you that that is going to make your life infinitely more difficult. That is a tiny person with a self-destruct button that you are responsible for. You are risking the future welfare of yourself and that child by choosing to bring a baby into an unstable relationship at a young age. A baby will never fix a problem between a couple, though it will likely make it worse.
The last girl, I have to point out that the host was, again, right. Just because you are in love with someone, that doesn't mean they're a good thing for you. The perfect example is abusive relationships. Often times, the abusee is completely in love with the abuser. That doesn't mean they should stay with them.
As far as family approval goes, I know the way most people think. If we're in love, no one should stand in our way. I'm here to tell you that in a healthy and loving family, the people in that family know you better than anyone.
Granted, they can't tell you how you fell about that person, but they can tell you whether or not that person is good for you. If they don't like the person, there's probably a reason for that that has nothing to do with them wanting to ruin your life. That's not even to mention the fact that if you choose to date someone your family is not OK with, you risk forming a rift between you and your family that may never fully heal.
I'm just really fed up with people throwing around the word "love". Yes true love exists. I've seen it. I've felt it. However, saying you are in love with someone should be a bigger deal than people make it out to be. Check yourself first:
- Are you in love with this person, or the idealized version of them you have created in your mind?
- Is it really love or are there other things in play (such as lust and hormones)?
- If it is love, is that person good for you?
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