A Beginner's Guide to the Friendzone

I read an article a while back that at the time I thought I agreed with. Unfortunately, because my stupid brain holds everything deep down inside only to allow them to resurface at inconvenient time, I have spent the entire morning thinking about this article that I read nearly two months ago. I now cannot believe how much I disagree with the article and by extension myself at the time. It just goes to show that if something is well-written enough, anyone will buy it. (But that, dear reader, is a discussion for another time.)

The article was about the friendzone.

Let's start with one of the biggest myths there is: The friendzone doesn't exist. ACHOO! If you can claim that the friendzone doesn't exist, you fall into one of the following three categories:

1. You have never been there.
2. You managed to "get out" of it.
3. It has been so long since you were there and you were there so few times that you no longer remember it.

If you fall into any one of those three categories, good for you! Seriously, good for you. For once, I'm being genuine. If you are in a place in your life where you are comfortable saying that the friendzone doesn't exist, I envy you. I really do. I truly wish that I could believe that.

The biggest problem is in defining the friendzone. Some will say that it is when you do all the work of being a significant other without getting any of the benefits. Honestly, not a terrible definition, but there is some problematic language when people start trying to work out exactly what you mean by "work" and "benefits". An urban dictionary definition simply said that it was the worst thing a girl can do to a guy. This, however, ignores the fact that girls can end up in the friendzone too. You don't hear about it as often, but we'll get to that in a bit. The more important issue here is that it puts the blame on someone. The friendzone is not anyone's fault. It just . . . is.

Here's a healthier definition of the friendzone:

Friendzone: (n) a symbolic place representing an imbalance in a relationship wherein one person, the one in the friendzone, has romantic feelings while the other considers the relationship platonic.

That exists. And it hurts.

Now let's look back at the definitions I mentioned earlier and consider them in light of this new definition.

The worst thing a girl can do to a guy.

As I have already said, this is sexist. While the friendzone is stereotypically inhabited by guys (I promise I will get to that.), girls can be there too. If the girl in a relationship has romantic feelings for a guy and he simply doesn't feel the same way, she's in the friendzone. Let's get to the bigger issue with this definition: the friendzone is not something anyone does to anyone else. It's not someone's fault that they don't feel the same toward someone else anymore than it's someone's fault that they like ketchup. You may never want to speak to that person again, but you don't have a right to blame them.

The next one brings us back around to the article that I read a couple of months ago.

Doing all of the work of being a significant other without any of the benefits.

Let me start this by saying that I absolutely agree with this definition, just not with most people's interpretation of it.

The article that I read used a similar definition to this and was talking about how sexist and misogynistic the friendzone is. It basically pointed out how wrong it is to look at women as vending machines: you put good deeds in, you get sex out. At the time, I seriously reevaluated the idea of the friendzone and really truly thought I agreed with this man. Until this morning.

First off, the analysis of the friendzone as being sexist is, in itself sexist. It implies that women cannot have that feeling of imbalance. Having talked directly to at least one girl who did and having heard stories of girls who have been there, I feel confident in saying that the friendzone can apply just as much to girls as to guys. (I promise you're very close to the reason why you hear about it more often with guys.)

Secondly, the analysis of the friendzone suggesting a vending machine system for sex in turn suggests a naive understanding of relationships. If you think that the only "benefits" someone in the friendzone wants from the other person are sex, you are severely mistaken. I talked with a couple guys recently who both independently shared there friendzone experiences with me. Neither of them ever mentioned sex. Or kissing. Or holding hands. Or anything physical at all. The "benefits" that these guys, and myself when I have been locked in the friendzone, really want are emotional. They want to be close to someone in a way that only a romantic relationship allows. They want to have an exclusive connection with that person that only they get to have. They want to feel special.

Let's face it, that's the really painful thing about the friendzone. What your presence there suggests is that for whatever reason, you weren't special enough for that person to single out.

You are just like every other friend they have.

That's what hurts. It's not being told, "You don't get to have sex with this person!" It's being told that someone you adore and think is special enough to spend your nights thinking about, to spend your days trying to make happy, to spend your precious emotional energy on doesn't think you are any more valuable than anyone else in there life. It's not that person's fault, but it doesn't make it suck any less. It doesn't make you feel any less lonely.

Going to the friendzone can be a defense mechanism. It's an easily defensible location against the onslaught of self-doubt that follows rejection. Which finally brings us to why the friendzone is more common in guys than girls.

Society is sexist, and within that sexism lies the idea that the guy is supposed to make the first move. Despite all the progress that the feminism movement has made, guys are still generally expected to be the one to approach the girl, to ask for her number, to make the date. Guys are the ones who are expected to put themselves out there.

Whenever a guy puts himself out there, his ego is on the line. His confidence, his reputation, and everything he believes about himself is being presented to another person for evaluation. Being told that the other person is not interested in that is embarrassing. As I mentioned, the friendzone is really a defensive idea. It's a place where you can put up walls of explanation the save yourself from all the terrible explanations thinkers come up with for themselves.

Here's a thought process that is more true than I care to admit:

• I like her. A lot.
• Maybe she likes me.
• She's treating me really nice, that's a good sign.
• Alright, I'm gonna go for it.
• I told her. Now for the most agonizing few seconds of waiting ever.
• ...
• She doesn't like me.
• Ok, she likes me, but not like that.
• Why doesn't she like me like that?
• What's wrong with me?
• It's because I'm ugly, isn't it?
• That's not true. Ugly guys get pretty girls all the time.
• I should just try harder.
• That's it! I'll try harder!
• ...
• Maybe she likes me now.
• She's treating me really nice, that's a good sign.
• Alright, I'm gonna go for it.
• I told her. Now for the most agonizing few seconds of waiting ever.
• ...
• She doesn't like me.
• Ok, she likes me, but not like that.
• Why doesn't she like me like that?
• What's wrong with me?
• It's because I'm ugly, isn't it?
• That's not true. Ugly guys get pretty girls all the time.
• It must be because she doesn't want to risk losing our friendship.
• At least it's not my fault.

Please note that "It's because I'm ugly" can be substituted for just about anything that the friendzone-inhabitant-to-be is self-conscious about and that the cycle can be repeated as many times as necessary before one decides that they are in the friendzone.

I can't speak for girls on this front, but guys are told by society through movies, TV, and word of mouth that they can end up with anyone they want. If they try hard enough, if they're sweet enough, if they're charming enough, if they're romantic enough, if they're funny enough, they can "get" any girl they want. The only reason you can't get the girl you want is because you aren't trying hard enough. So they keep trying. They keep getting rejected. They keep getting embarrassed. They keep failing.

At some point, acceptance of the friendzone becomes the only way out.

I have given you several definitions of the friendzone that are all valid in their own ways. None of them, however, reflect what I feel the true essence of the friendzone to be. You see, the friendzone isn't what makes you feel lonely. The friendzone isn't what makes you feel embarrassed. Rejection is.

Rejection leaves you feeling worthless and alone. You offered yourself, mind, body and soul, to a person and they said that they weren't interested. You allowed yourself to hope that you were about to become closer to this incredible person and now you're further from them than ever. It's lonely. It's embarrassing, and it hurts. Who you gonna call?

Friendzone: (n) an imagined fortress built of explanations to protect yourself from the onslaught of doubt and feelings of worthlessness that result from finding out that you are not as special to someone else as they are to you.

Saying that Washington D.C. doesn't exist isn't going to fix the American government. Saying that the friendzone doesn't exist isn't going to make people in it feel any better. On the contrary, you are stripping them of their defenses and leaving them subject to the terrors of their own mind.

It's not about sex. It's about self-esteem.